Mavis's entry - pirates and tubes

Ooh la la my treasures, it’s been a rather exhausting day again, positively bushwhacked.

Betty’s terribly upset as we seem to have gone through all the current buns in the freezer now and it’s not looking like they’ll be on special again for a few weeks. I’ve even begun liquidising them as a treat for Ernest, may as well enjoy your own funeral if you can, it’s a luxury I doubt many people get the benefit of. He is quite a lucky man really. I even added in a bit of the woldstock wiltonberry jam into the mixer for a bit of pizzazz, then I shoved the whole lot down a special tube that mayor got knocked up. It’s been sitting under the stairs for weeks, purpose unknown, mayor must have known it would come in useful, clever mayor.

We decided to give him another treat, anything to get a break from all this festival business, which rather drains the old resourses and Dorothy, has run out of reviving horns, so we all needed some ‘downtime’ as dearest Harlot calls it.

Dotty kindly lubed me and Betty up with the festival chaffing cream. Juniper keeps complaining that we’re using too much, but needs must, these whipper snappers just don’t appreciate it as an essential, everyday item, not just a nice to have down at the horse box. Besides we had decided on one last hurrah for Ernest.

I fixed the tassels to Betty myself, but sadly she couldn’t get the swing quite right, arthritic boobs are no joke I can tell you. Still I can be terribly resourceful, ever since my podium dancing days. A similar thing happened at the Palais, June 15th 1955, so I was prepared. A squirt of oil did the trick then, but alas Betty was too far gone, so I took the little motors out of mayors Christmas bow-ties and attached them to the tassels, Volia! A little pull and they were off!

Have to say it put my whirring to shame, but then it was for Ernest and at least my swing is all natural, comes from practising every day during choir practice. I always hope for a stirring rendition of Jerusalem to get them a good flow.

We propped Ernest up on his pillows and left him sucking on his bun tube, Betty charged up the gramophone for an authentic sound and a rather feisty can-can ensued, tassels a-whirring, I slipped against the wood-chip wallpaper at one point and got a bit of a boob graze, but at least the shag pile felt nice against the feet.

I like to think Ernest was pleased, as he seemed to suck a bit harder on his bun and blinked a lot, I’m sure, in appreciation. We were majestic! Ooh it took us back. I also struck a number of my legendary poses and so my gaze left Betty which looking back may have been a bit of a slip-up, she is just normally so very capable and I was rather marvellous, especially when doing the ‘pussycat’, I was in the ‘zone’ another one of dearest Harlot’s phrases, Oh how she makes me smile!
Anyway I think Betty’s knee must have locked mid-kick, which tragically seemed to get Ernest right in his nether regions, she then momentarily regained mobility, but then she was off again, kicked him in the bun pipe, currents flew to places I didn’t know a currant could go. In the confusion a motorised tassel fought loose and landed right in his eye, ooh it was a bit of a carve up and I thought, she’ll never get those stains of the woodchip.

Hoping that Asda had that particular brand of bleach on special we hot footed it out of the house and to the shops, we may have got some funny looks in our tassels but I’d grabbed a gown and Betty a pinny, so we were quite respectable. Admittedly I forgot about my feathers and g-string, but honestly we’re all grown ups in Woldstock.

We did our best at cleaning up and we didn’t hear a peep out of Ernest, I went to the fancy dress box and fished out a patch, which I’d last won in a 1967 production of the ‘pirates of your pants’ ( a special homage to pirates of Penzance), anyway it suited Ernest rather well, I did wonder if we shouldn’t get some cream or something but Betty shoved some squirty mr whippy stuff under his patch and it must have soothed him because he flopped right back against the pillows, she really is a remarkable and caring woman.