Betty's entry - committees and tena ladies

That Juniper has just told me that she’s organised the first Woldstock Music Festival committee meeting. Committee meeting, I ask you! Just another excuse to show off her chuffing homemade Wiltonberry jam and make us all sit on wonky chairs and listen to her bark on - my chickens make more sense than that woman. In fact I can have a more intellectual conversation with my buxom birds than with that Juniper. And what use is Juniper eh? And that Harlot Harriet – what use is she? She’s always looking to get some scrumpy action with our Mayor – the tart. I tell Mavis I do, that she could give the Mayor a better time than that Harlot…. providing her arthritis isn’t playing up that is. The things Mavis can do with her tassels would make you go blind…..blind I tell you. That Harriet is more plastic than my new hip.

And I tell you another thing….that Juniper doesn’t like anyone who isn’t posh. She always thinks she’s better than the likes of me. Honest, down-to-earth and friendly, that’s me - never a bad word to say about anyone. I don’t need to live in a big house or be eco-friendly and drive around on an electric scooter. She harps on about being green….”we’ve got to make sure this festival’s green” she tells all of us. I told her, it’s in a green field, what more do you want? I could shove one of her homemade scones right up her……………

Aye up, that Harlot Harriet has just knocked on my door and given me an ‘agenda’ for the committee meeting. I told her, what do I need an agenda for? I’ve got one of me own! I’m not going to no committee meeting, it’s my night for cleaning the coup out and I’ve promised Dorothy all the poop to put on her veg. What would my mute Ernest say if he could talk? He’d be livid. Mavis and me could run this festival blindfolded and with our legs tied together while eating a pork sausage - we wouldn’t need to hold some poncy meeting – I ask you. It says here, that some TV reporter will be coming to film our meeting. Well that’s just magic that is! All we need is some scroat coming in and poking his camera at us and asking us questions. I’m not standing for any of his nonsense. Oh, but I see Mayor is coming. Well that’s good, at least it’ll add a bit of culture to things. Perhaps I will go then. I know that Mayor has trouble understanding Juniper’s accent at times – she speaks so posh, like she’s got a pound of plums in that big mouth of hers - so I’ll interpret for him….. for a packet of pork scratchings though….I don’t do anything for nowt.

Right must go. I need to nip into town and get Mavis’ ‘Tena Ladys’. It’ll be a right old mess around her nether regions if I don’t get them to her quick. I tell her, “Mave, years of doing the splits has taken its toll, you need to tighten things up down there”. I don’t want anymore wet patches in my car thank you. And as for her bowels, by heck…………….